Tag Archives: humor

Appalled or Amused?

I was on my way to the gym and listened to the radio for the 7.42 minute drive instead of my ipod. I don’t know if this was the worst decision or the best decision of today’s 7 o’clock hour. Why is that? Well, Toby Knapp of HOT 99.5 said something along the lines of, “Wallpaper, Best [bleep] Song Everrrr” and I thought I missed something. Perhaps he said something before hand that would indicate what he was talking about. No, no I didn’t. This is exactly what he was talking about. He then proceeded to play this:

OMFG. WHAT IS THIS?! IS THIS MUSIC?! Now, I listen to Gaga and “Like a G6” by Far East Movement and some other “weird stuff” (according to my mom), but the eff is this? I don’t even think it makes sense. Check my Spanish and then some polka-like music? I don’t get it.

I don’t know if I’m appalled that this dude is making bank on this horrifying crap and the fact that it’s on the radio. Or amused by this awfully catchy, possibly awesome song. (Don’t judge me. I don’t know if I hate it yet or love the fact that it’s awful.)

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Loophole to Money Can’t Buy Happiness

So I was on the metro with my friend on the way to a Caps game and we got into talking about what it would be like to have a lot of money. We’re always told by the tremendous amount of elders that we know that money doesn’t buy happiness. Happiness comes from doing good in the world, loving others, being kind, etc. That’s all true, but here’s the thing. Money buys us things. Supposedly things don’t make you truly happy. Here’s the thing, I absolutely LOVE the Capitals. I have since as long as I can remember. A fourth of my clothing is Caps related. My love for this team is intense. And I’ve always said that if I won a million dollars, I’d buy season tickets to the Caps. That would equal happiness. So, I feel like this is a loophole. Because I can be kind and take someone with me to enjoy a game. That also goes under loving others. Once I figure out how it does good in the world, I’ll let you know.

Moral of the story: money can buy legitimate happiness. Loopholes for the win.

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Post-Apocalyptic Names

Back in high school, I watched the tv show Dark Angel. You know, before Jessica Alba did movies and before Jensen Ackles was on Supernatural (ps, what is that show even about?). It was a post-apocalyptic story line with a genetically engineered bad ass girl taking on the bad guys. Aside from the sometimes awkward and crappy acting, it was a good show for the first season. But it had weirdly named characters. Original Cindy. Tinga. Herbal. Normal. Rafer. Syil. Krit.

Next post-apocalyptic thing: The Hunger Games. Excellent book. Written so much better than Twilight, but still can never replace Harry Potter in my heart. Anyway, again, post-apocalyptic world. Apparently the environment went to crap and America/Canada is now some smaller version of itself and is now called Panem or something like that. But the names again. Katniss. Primrose (I get that those are plants). Peeta. Rue. Cinna. Haymitch. Venia. Flavius.

What the heck? Did all of the copies, both digital and print, of “The Baby Book of Names” just up and disappear in the post-apocalyptic world? What the hell happened to names like Jacob? Sarah? Sam? Ryan? You know, names I can actually pronounce. How come when the world goes to crap, our names go to crap too? And why couldn’t Peeta’s name just be freaking Peter? I mean, maybe we’re headed down this route since people name their kids @ (legit, the @ sign), Espn, Apple, Coco, Pilot Inspektor…

If a post-apocalyptic world happens and I have actual, non-theoretical children, I’m still naming my kid something normal.

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Twilight Books in One Sentence

In honor of the Literal Harry Potter titles, which I found to be legendary, I decided I would do Twilight ones.  Then, after actually thinking about this task, I realized it’s hard to rename them since they’re one or two words instead of Bella Swan and yada yada.  So, instead of new titles, I decided to summarize each book into one sentence.  Without further adieu…

Twilight: Clumsy girl obsessively loves creepy dude who sparkles and who has to try not to eat her.
New Moon: Sparkle creep leaves clumsy, obsessed girl and she thinks her life is over and then leads on an annoying dude until creep comes back.
Eclipse: Obsessed clumsy girl forgives sparkle creep and its all hunky dory except someone keeps trying to kill her and annoying dude is pining for clumsy girl.
Breaking Dawn: Sparkles and Clumsy get married before she’s even old enough to drink, then he knocks her up with the killer baby, and then they try to survive the most anti-climatic “battle” to ever exist.



And we all assume they live happily ever after. I think my IQ just dropped. Please suggest even better summaries.

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Literal Harry Potter Titles

I’m a Harry Potter girl.  That series was an epic part of my childhood and young adult hood.  So, naturally, I go to the nerd side and sometimes find funny Harry Potter things like this: Literal Harry Potter Book Titles

It’s FANTASTIC.  Stay tuned, I’m going to create Twilight titles…

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So, you might want to bring food

Me and the Brother from about 6 years ago

My brosef called me the other night to see if I could sit at his house and wait for the TV repair dude and seeing as I had nothing else to do, I said sure.  He told me when to come over and then went to look in his fridge to see what he had that I would eat (he knows I’m not a big meat eater).

“Well, let’s see. I’ve got beer. Oh! You need to try the Smithwicks.  There’s some deer bologna, snack sticks, um.  I’ve got ice cream sandwiches, you eat those.  They’re the mint kind.  And there’s carry-out menus on the fridge.  Yeah, you might want to bring food cause all you’d eat are the ice cream sandwiches and beer.”

“How do you feed yourself?! You eat like a speed eating champion.”

“I eat out every meal.”

My 31-year-old brother still lives the life of a bachelor.  I find it hilarious.

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Exercising with Nike

I downloaded the Nike Training Club app the other day because 1) Katie Durski said I’d like it and 2) I wanted to beef up my workouts at the gym.  I’m one of those masochistic people who has an obsession with “feeling the burn” after a workout.  It’s always a good day when I can’t lift my arms over my head.

Anyway, I was doing my cool-down after a run and decided to look through the workouts.  It gives you an option of Beginner (4-5 workouts a MONTH), Intermediate (2-3 workouts a WEEK) and Advanced (3-5+ workouts a WEEK).  I chose Advanced because I typically workout 5 days a week for an hour each time.  So I’m scrolling through the 15 minute “targeted” ones and the 30 minute cardio and my jaw dropped.  Sweet baby Jesus.  These things are NUTS.  1 minute swivel push-up, 1 minute frogger, 1 minute burpee, 1 minute modified push-up, etc.  1 minute of modified push-ups?!  Dude, I struggle to go past 15 individual push-ups, so what makes you think I can do a whole freaking minute of them?!

Yeah, I dropped back down to beginner.  Call me a wuss, I’ll take it, but holy crap.  I’m good at kicking my own butt at the gym, and this app will surly beat it into next week.  The advanced level will have to wait; baby steps it is.  I need to actually be able to get up, drive home and get in bed without collapsing.

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