gym etiquette

the gym is one of my havens.  it’s cheaper than seeing a shrink, but it does lack the whole person helping you solve your issues thing.  whatever, i can still work crap out when i’m spending my hour or two there.  i can run when i’m happy or pissed and feel better afterwards.  that’s why i like it.  it’s healthy in more ways than one.  so when someone fucks up my haven, i get a little irritated.

1) If you are a new years resolutioner: please give up before you start.  it’s hard work.  you will be sore. no, you cannot run 5 miles after being sedentary for 6 months. you will plateau.  if you can’t hack it, don’t get in our way.

2) If you are a teenage, overweight girl: no, sitting on the bike on the lowest level and at a speed so low your heart rate barely goes up while you’re exercising your vocal chords and jaw and tongue will not help you lose weight.  and the rest of us, aside from your friend that’s a stick figure, could give two shits about that boy at school.  we’re trying to focus and you’re taking up space.  either work out for real or find a new hang out.  also, this doesn’t count as exercise, so don’t tell your doctor that you’re working out 4 days a week.

3) If you’ve never run before: Converse is not good to run in.  neither are nike shox (and i don’t care that it says running shoe.  do you see marathoners wearing them?  no.  we (half marathoners too) wear asics).  and it’s heel to ball of the foot.  if you are stomping while running, you’re not running. you’re going to injure yourself and the rest of us can’t hear our power songs.

4) If you grunt and groan while weight lifting: Understandable to a point.  If you sound like you’re dying or having sex, please seek medical help or don’t come.

5) If you wear the same outfit every night in a row: OMG.  THAT’S DISGUSTING. YOU’RE SWEATING. WASH THAT STUFF.

6) If you come to the cardio/weight part of the gym in 2 inch boots and skinny jeans: Um, did you not read the sign that says: “proper attire required in the fitness facility.”  This isn’t New York Fashion Week.  Thanks.

7) If you’re in a fake velvet sweat suit and a cami going 2 mph on level zero on the elliptical: One, not a work out.  your heart rate is barely elevated. Two, wtf are you wearing?  Proper attire thing again.  This is a haven of exercise freaks, no one cares that you have a pink Juicy suit.  Three, if you’re not going to work out and then spaz about that super thin barely there sheen of sweat, get off the machine and let a person who actually wants to work their body use it.

8) If you’re a girl flirting with the weight lifters and trying to get them to show you the proper form of a bicep curl with a 5lb weight: They know what you’re doing.  And they know you’re an easy lay.  And that’s all you’re going to be.

9) If you’re screaming at someone: Dude, your earbuds are in.  Turn the volume down.

10) If you don’t wipe down the machines: One, read the sign. Two, it’s not that hard. Three, want me to cough on you? No? Okay, then wipe your sweat and germy finger prints off.

I probably sound like an outright bitch.  Whatever.  I’ve been going to the same gym since high school.  It’s a haven to me and all the regulars.  We follow the rules.  We know each other’s routines.  We just. want. to. exercise.  We don’t want to flirt.  We don’t want to hear your cell phone conversation.  We don’t want to hear the sounds you make in your bedroom.  We will stare you down if you’re barely doing anything and taking up a machine we need to finish up.  We’re addicted.  Respect the haven.

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