sometimes i want a flow chart of a conversation to see the connection between the first topic and the final topic.  this stems from yesterday’s conversations with my boss while we were working in DC.  let’s begin our flow chart.

“hey. what do you want?” – boss
“Um, skinny hazelnut latte, please.” – me
“Wtf is that? What is skinny?  Could you for once pick something normal like coffee or a cappachino?”
“Latte is up on the menu. Hazelnut is the syrup and skinny means it is sugar free.  You order peppermint mochas.  Shoosh.”

“i hate when the holidays are over.” -boss
“me too. though i’m cool with excessive family time being over.” -me
“yeah, same here. but once the holidays are over, everyone goes back to being fucking miserable.”

“you like tv a lot, right?” -me
“yes.” -boss
“so what do you watch on mondays? because last night nothing but the bowl game was on.”
“well, gossip girl.” (i stare at him in awe) “what? the future wife likes it. it’s oddly funny and mindless. and after you’ve watched the news for four hours.”
“i only pay attention to brian williams. the baltimore reporters are awful.”
“brian williams doesn’t take a breath.”
“but i still idolize him.”
“and do you watch anything other than sports?”
“urm, occasionally i will. sports and the news is on at the gym. and i’m pissed oprah took over the discovery health network. i loved mystery diagnosis! and i loved planet earth, but oprah ruined the Life series for me. worst narrator ever.”
“she’s a successful business woman, but there are people who actually live their life by oprah.”
“and her book club didn’t get people to read. middle age women were already reading.”
“and her choices are not always that great.”
“and her own network? that’s way too much oprah. she’s so self serving and thinks she’s God’s gift to mankind.”
“does she have a return policy?” -me
“this is why i hired you.”

“am i allowed to discriminate against someone who just referred to themselves as a muggle?” -boss
“it was a halloween costume! i started reading these books when i was 12. they came out when i was 10.” -me
“which means i was graduating high school.”
“exactly. and you enjoyed the twilight movies.”
“but i do not dress up.”
“neither do i. i saw the movie in sweatpants and not on opening night.”

“when do we want our holidays to be this year?” – president.
“what?” – me
“you’ve got 10 days to work with. go schedule out our holidays. if you want an extra day at the 4th of july, gives us one.”
….pres heads to the rest room…..
“did she really just tell me to go create our holiday schedule?” -me
“yeah. and don’t do every freaking sport you need to watch.” -boss (i roll my eyes)
“those are nights and weekends.”

i got lucky. so lucky that these are the people i work with.


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